The War on Feathers

I have a vendetta I can't totally justify, but when has that ever stopped anyone?

This is so embarrassing, man. In fact, I’d probably never tell you, but I have nothing better to talk about today. Also, because you read my nonsense every weekend that makes us friends, and friends tell each other stupid, vulnerable shit like this.

Alright, then. What the hell.

I don’t like birds. I never have.

It might be an odd thing for a 36-year old man to admit unprovoked, but it is what it is. In fact, one of my recurring dark thoughts about how I die (because who doesn’t have at least one of those, right?) is being chased down and eaten by a kaiju-sized chicken in some apocalyptic mutation scenario, the way a regular-sized chicken would chase down and gobble up a cockroach. I saw that happen once, by the way. It must’ve sucked for the cockroach. Not that I pitied it, though. But that’s another Epis0de. Yes, I hear your question. Does this ornithophobia extend towards eating chicken, turkey and other feathered abominations that are acceptably edible? Well, of course not. Fear is one thing. Fried chicken stew is another. Don’t be ridiculous.

Anyway, this lifelong, deeply personal beef I have with birds has always been manageable. If I see a chicken on the road, I give it space. I make sure never to offend crows and/or ravens and their long memories. Even those aggressive geese you see in foreign videos online, I’ve made peace with the fact that if I ever travel and one of them squares up with me, I’ll simply backpedal and reroute my entire journey. Maybe I’ll even just go home. Sometimes life is about understanding that there are some battles you simply don’t need to fight, especially against creatures that can fly and almost certainly carry diseases we haven’t discovered yet. Birds are just deeply unsettling creatures in general. Everything about them is twitchy and aggressive. The random head movements, the sudden flapping of wings, and the way they walk around like high tax-paying members of society. It’s all wrong.

AND THEY CAN FLY.

I personally believe that flight is too much power for any animal to have. If goats could fly, society as we know it would’ve already collapsed by now. Shit, humans can’t fly, but look at all the chaos we’ve been able to cause with planes and drones. It’s too much power, I tell you. But because most birds are relatively small, we pretend that it’s fine. It’s not fine. Not while they can fly and shit on you and your car at the same time with sniper-level precision. Mbanu.

You might be tempted to wonder if I’m being irrational. It’s always possible, I suppose. Maybe I have some deeply buried and unresolved bird trauma from my childhood. I don’t know, man. What I do know is that I don’t trust those twitchy little bastards. And until God and/or science can explain why descendants of dinosaurs should be allowed to make so much noise, track movement and shit with such terrifying accuracy, all while airborne, I will continue to keep my distance.

You know, in case kaiju chickens become a thing. You never know.