Epis0de 83
Here's some advice for the weekend.
One of the more underrated (yet invaluable) life skills one can possess is a keen sense of self-preservation. It’s something that pretty much all animals are born with, from sea turtles who instinctively start racing towards the safety of the ocean as soon as they hatch on the beach shore, to wildebeest who are able to stand within six minutes of being born, run after a few hours and keep up with their herd within a day. As for humans, while babies and children are largely useless when it comes to basic self-preservation and survival skills, most older people still prefer to remain alive and uninjured for as long as possible. Nature understands that the world is a dangerous place and that any creature hoping to last more than five minutes in it needs at least a basic sense of awareness of danger, and the ability to either defuse or escape dangerous situations when necessary.
Because you’re taking time out of your day to read this Epis0de, I’m going to assume that you’re a reasonable individual like me, who understands that certain situations call for a little tact and a strong desire to see tomorrow. That you prefer to avoid unnecessary confrontations. And that when you find yourself at a police checkpoint, in the presence of people who are armed, uniformed, and clearly not in the mood for philosophical discussions about your rights as a citizen, your common sense tells you how to act accordingly so you can continue your journey in peace. However, chances are unfortunately very high that you know someone who doesn’t share this perfectly sensible survival philosophy. In fact, they might be riding with you when you go out this weekend. But fear not. I dey for you.
Which brings us to the real purpose of this Epis0de: practical options for a reasonable human being hoping to survive sharing a vehicle with someone who has just disabled their sense of self-preservation at the worst possible time. Here we go:
The Pre-Emptive Appeal. Level One. You know this person. They’ve been your friend/lover/relative for a while now, so you know what that tension in their jawline means. So immediately the police officer motions you to pull over (and I do mean immediately), lean over, look them dead in the eye, and say something like: “Not tonight, abeg. Let’s just cooperate so we can get to where we’re going.” It’s short, it’s simple, and it might just save both of you from unnecessary chaos.
The Pre-Emptive Snatch. Again, you know this person. So you know that appealing to them won’t work. That’s why it might be better to put them in the boot of your car before you head out, so they’re not tempted to argue with the police and get you into trouble. Is it drastic? Maybe. Is it technically illegal? Who knows. Do they have to be conscious? Don’t look at me; I never said it was good advice.
The Pre-Emptive Strike. Piggybacking off the first two options, this one requires precision and timing. As soon as they’re about to start the chaos that will ruin your day, deliver a quick elbow or clenched fist to their ribcage or whatever body part that’s within reach. Even a good pinch-and-twist of flesh will suffice. Just something to let them know that they need to shut the fuck up and let you handle it, you get?
The Good Old Saint Peter. Deny, deny, deny. The moment they go, “Why are you stopping us?”, you lean out of your window and declare, “Officer please, before this goes any further, I want to state clearly that I don’t know this person. I’m just dropping them off in front.” Dramatic, but it might buy you a few precious seconds of survival while the chaos rages elsewhere. I mean, it worked for Peter.
The Good Old Saint Peter 2.0 (Now with Social Distancing). For when the above isn’t enough, because this person has fucked things up beyond all redemption, or is dangerously close to doing so. Quietly open the door and step out of the car. Make as little noise as you can while trying to move as far away from the scene as possible. Then make a run for it.
If you feel like these options are too crazy for you, I guess you could always do the sensible, boring thing and stay indoors. Officer can’t enter inside your house and tell you to pull over. It’s you that I’m kuku trying to help.
Enjoy your weekend!